Stability

Can't believe how long it is since I wrote an entry.

I just got back from holiday last night and this morning I weighed in at 84.5kg. I can't believe how long I've been at this weight for but happy I maintained throughout the holiday.

Sadly I've just had an epic McDonalds binge on account of the overwhelming feeling of being back at work. Sad to be back, sad at the e-mails to plough through - thankfully not pressing but numerous nonetheless - sad at the state of my bank account etc etc etc.

Feeling better for now, less panicky but assume the guilt and self-loathing is about to kick in. Am thirsty enough to drink a swimming pool to boot on account of all the salt.

Still seeing the dietician sporadically although I think she despairs of me. My only saving grace is that the weight since I've been seeing her hasn't gone back up.

Onwards and downwards as they say...

Bad times

It's been a while. I'm probably about 60% on track and sitting about 84.5kg at the moment.
Four weeks or so have passed since the last dietician appointment (I cancelled, she cancelled, French air traffic control cancelled) and there has been my birthday and various other indulgent occasions.

I'm not giving up. I'm seeing her next Tuesday and I hope to be at least the same weight and then push on forward.

This weekend is going to be a bit of a challenge. Saturday a friend has rented a small sailing yacht for 12 of us to go out to the Cannes islands. There will be rosé, cake and items made with white flour - I must restrain.
Sunday is the Wimbledon final which will more than likely mean Pimms, cake and yummy sandwiches with the crusts cut off.

The running and exercise in general is going well and I'm into the last 12 weeks of my half marathon training. I've bought some new top of the range Asics which seem to help the shin splints somewhat, if not entirely.
Last week I also did two sessions of the 30 day shred. I know I'm supposed to do it everyday - it's hardcore - but at least I did it twice and I will do it again. I also did two runs and a boxercise class so not all bad but I won't mention two mcdonalds and a large bowl of chips....

There is quite a lot of crappy stuff going on at the moment. The Boy has lost his great aunt and a very close friend the same age of him. Both were shocking and unexpected.
My sister is back in rehab just four weeks after her wedding. I have been predicting a post-wedding breakdown for months now. She suffers from depression and anxiety and isn't built to cope with peaks in stress, plus she is an alcoholic. Her last rehab drying out session was only last October and the 'controlled drinking' she has been attempting has not worked.
I hope her new marriage lives through this blip as she needs her husband.
We also found out yesterday that the Boy's contract ends in September when we previously had thought it to be a permanent one. Based on a horrible winter just done following his November redundancy, the future for us looks a little shaky.

All this said, it is not an excuse to eat crap. I've been letting myself get a little slack admittedly and giving in too much to tempting occasions. If I can plough through this weekend and not do too much damage, I'll be chuffed.
I've got two more runs to do this week and I'd love to do a couple more 30 day shred sessions, plus tomorrow should involve plenty of swimming.
The chin, she is firmly up.

The Sugar monster

I have only had one day of clean eating this week :(

My days seem to all include chocolate which is the only thing to blight my otherwise virtuous eating. But not just one chocolate or one bar it seems. Ugg.

Sugar IS the thing I need to give up most and I have done it before and seen results. It really is time to do it again.
Perhaps if I could allow myself one sweet treat a week....but I'm not sure that would work. I have a feeling I'm an all or nothing type.

Yesterday saw a crunchie and a small dairy milk thing, the day before saw two godiva bars which weren't even nice. Today I've eaten a whole mint chocolate dairy milk aero type bar. A BIG one. HUGE in fact.
I feel sick and disappointed but not surprised. Other than that, things started well and will continue well. I started the day off with a run, followed by soy yoghurt mixed with berries and oats. Four thin oatcakes with tomato for a snack then a turkey, humous, roast veg and spinach salad for lunch. Ok.....I may have overdone the humous...

I don't buy all of this chocolate (although I did yesterday), it is just in the office. Today I struggled all day with obsessive thoughts about the dairy milk mint bar. They would come and stay in my head for a while, then go away again. All day I've been congratulating myself how far through the day I've come without grabbing the bar. I got to 4pm - nearly the whole work day, then grabbed it and ate it hidden away. Disgusting.

Tonight I'll have a small omelette and salad, drink lots of water and deal with the sugar fall out.
Tomorrow I'll try again to have a sugar-free day.

This morning I was 83.5kg.

Clean day

Well, there was just the one sadly but I'm hoping to keep the rest of the day (following a chocolate bar) on track. I'm pissed off with myself to say the least.

I had an ok w/e until Saturday night when I drank a lot of wine and gin and tonic. Sunday was a baby shower and saw all sorts of lovely things that I'm not supposed to eat, plus a fair amount of bubbles.

Yesterday I was wondering how much I want this. Life seems to be a constant uphill slog against my weight which never really moves more than a few kilos. I was so sure that this time, it would be different but already I'm stalling.
I really want this, it would mean a lot to be to be a healthy weight but my willpower falters (over sugary items and alcohol) way too often.

I was determined to eat clean yesterday as last week was fairly shocking. Yesterday was great foodwise, and this morning started off well until just now when I've eaten a fair amount of chocolate. If that can be the only slip-up for the week, I will be more than happy.

I have a healthy lunch ahead and am determined.

biscuits and control

I'm dead chuffed with my workouts for this week although my shin splints are giving me a bit of a problem running, I must admit.

I've done three bikini bootcamp sessions (1.5hours of circuit training, boxing, weights abs etc) and one 7km run in five days. I'm feeling great for it and very motivated for exercise.

Next week I need to go to the doctors to check out my shins (although I imagine he'll just tell me to rest) and also buy some new trainers as I'm sure they're not good enough for the amount of running I've been doing. Also, I've never had a problem with shin splints before either so that makes me suspicious that they've only come about since I've had these trainers.
My trainers were from an outlet in the States, on sale for $40. I didn't even buy them, a friend chose them for me so I guess I should really do some research and buy myself a pair. I'm thinking I should be spending upwards of €100 for a pair and with the insoles, they will hopefully help the shinsplints.

Anyway, my eating hasn't been marvellous and I'm struggling to have a clean day. This morning has seen a mini biscuit binge which I'm not proud off.
Am now working my way through a pile of cherries and feeling guilty about the biscuits but a little more satisfied generally.
I'm not sure the bottle of rosé last night helped matters either. It always makes me crave sugar the next day, although I'm pretty sure I sweated out all the toxins this morning.

I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to keep packets of biscuits or bars of chocolate in the house without feeling the compulsion to eat the lot. I'm thinking not. It's not something I ever have in the house for that reason but I'd love to have a bar of dark chocolate for those cravings.

Struggling again/moderation

84kg's this morning. I seem to be a bit stuck. It is still 5kg down from my highest but I haven't really budged in a while. The wedding was definitely a sticking point, and I had to fight back down to my weight before that (which I pretty much am now) but that was two week's ago.

My eating hasn't been great I must admit. I succumbed to a mini binge following the dietician appointment last week. (I'd stayed the same on her scales for the record, which she seemed happy with).
I ended up getting a smallish bit of banana cake and a brownie, then I had two crisp sandwiches before dinner of salmon and veg. Not devasting but not that great either.

The thing that I really need to work on (sugar is still a MAJOR issue for me) is being able to stop at one or two. For example, I didn't eat that much on Saturday - an omlette and some quinoa and roast veg. Then in the evening I was babysitting and was peckish and hadn't brought anything pre-prepared with me. The kids had these horrible french vanilla biscuits (les princes?) and instead of eating one or two out of desperation, I ate about 7, even though I don't really like them and wasn't THAT hungry. I only stopped because there was only two left...

Yesterday I indulged in pizza - only half but white flour all the same. It wasn't even that nice.
I also had a slice of bakery quiche as I was starving after going scuba diving. Again it was pretty tasteless.
Snacks during yesterday's picnic at Lac de St-Cassien were not soooo bad with crudites and houmous but there were also M & M's involved along the way, oh yes...and crisps. Ugg.

This morning I was still 84kg and was full of resolve on how to break through the next barrier. Then I got into work and there were some marzipan chocolates on the side. Instead of sampling the one, I have sneakily had about 8, on top of my breakfast.
I now feel sick and annoyed. Not a good start to the week.

Exercise-wise I only did two out of the four training runs for my half marathon. That said, I did a two hour bootcamp session plus 40 mins scuba diving (not sure that counts but what hey).
We have 15 weeks of training to go before the half marathon and the real training starts in the last 12 weeks if I'm following the Bupa schedule.
I'm off to bootcamp tonight, running tomorrow and will hopefully try and do something every day.

A week of ups and downs.

So it's been a whole week since I was last on here for this. It's been a week full of up's and downs, both emotionally and weight wise.

The wedding was fab, my sister was serene and beautiful and it went off without a hitch. The venue was stunning and I ate lots of yummy food - the only disappointment was probably the wedding breakfast but it didn't really matter one bit.

I had such a fab time when I was there, too much alcohol really (practically two all day drinking sessions) but lots of fun. I saw lots of family and friends and if the day and weekend flew by too quickly for me, I can't imagine what it was like for her.
I was pretty low when we got back on Sunday night, too much wine, too little sleep, fantastic weather and place, too much excitement etc. I didn't really manage to shake this until Wednesday but feel great now.

Monday morning saw the scale up to 86kg but after two fried breakfasts, cake, rocky road, alcohol galore, a Mcdonalds, a wedding breakfast and two Pret a Manger sandwiches, it wasn't much of a surprise. That was not all I ate either in those two short days.

Today I'm back down to a solid 84kg again which I'm happy about considering the damage.
I have another week till I see the dietician (I shamefully cancelled tuesday's appointment so I could lose the weekend weight) so I need the scale to move down further to show a loss over the three weeks since I last saw her.

I'm feeling good now and hope to get plenty of exercise and healthy eating in over the weekend. I managed a swim and a run this week but failed to get out of bed early enough this morning to go.

My running partner has managed two runs without me this week including a tempo run. It unleashed my competitive side and I now feel the need to catch up. I'm also painfully aware that she is fairly petite, therefore will find things easier than me.
I have 16 weeks to go from Sunday (to the race) so need to drop a fair few more kilos in that time. I'm thinking to be 75 kilos - 9 less than I am now) might be nice, although more than a little hopeful.