Madelines

I don't like these either but seemed to have inhaled three before lunch. I started off reasonably ok with a banana and a yoghurt mixed with a few oats, my normal breakfast.
Then I ate the three madelines (two stuffed down in the kitchen) followed by a wrap and salad for lunch.
This afternoon has already involved a couple of marshmallows (english ones so nice) and a fox's glacier mint. I think I'm on some kind of bingeing roll of late, probably brought on by some kind of last supper mindset due to the impending dietician appointment.
One of the reasons I'm seeing her next week is that I'm off to the UK this weekend and at the back of my mind, I want to be able to indulge in all the treats the UK has to offer.
The UK is definitely a binge trigger for me, it's the eat-everything-I-can't-get-in-France-all-in-one-weekend mentality. I've already got fish and chips in mind for the weekend, even though they usually make me feel sick. Ho-hum.

I guess I want to get back to where I was a few years back, let's say 6 years ago. It's before I went through a two year low point and where my weight started to increase. I was big as a teenager before losing nearly three stone through weightwatchers. I kept that off give or take 10 pounds, for over 7 years.
Now I'm back bigger than I was then (this morning was around 88kg) and less in control than ever.
In those slimmer years I was much more controlled although I hated eating in front of people, which isn't totally normal either. I would never be seen picking crisps or peanuts from a bowl, or snacking on anything that wasn't totally virtuous.
While I don't want to have that paranoia back regarding eating (which probably encouraged some secret eating), I would like that control back and certainly that figure!

I really want to look into why I've developed the binge eating patterns that I have and when and why it started. I know that from a very young age I was praised for eating and for not being fussy at home. At school (a convent run by nuns), my sister and I (who has suffered with bulimia and body dysmorphia most of her life) were known as good eaters and we always got big portions or second helpings. We were also terrified by the nuns into finishing every last bit, if your plate wasn't empty we had to scrape it into the 'pig' bin - funny when you think that I was the pig who finished every scrap. The pig bin was guarded by a nun who scolded those of less appetite and rumours of the cane for those who needed use of the pig bin circulated.
I remember our family not being very well enough in early childhood, so treats were scarce. This meant I ate lots of biscuits shoved in really quickly, as rations were short. Evidence was then hidden but I know I was obsessed with sweet treats from an early age.

I can't afford both counselling and the dietician so I'm going to see the dietician first. The counselling is probably what will be required eventually but for now I'm taking arguably the least painful route.