Stability

Can't believe how long it is since I wrote an entry.

I just got back from holiday last night and this morning I weighed in at 84.5kg. I can't believe how long I've been at this weight for but happy I maintained throughout the holiday.

Sadly I've just had an epic McDonalds binge on account of the overwhelming feeling of being back at work. Sad to be back, sad at the e-mails to plough through - thankfully not pressing but numerous nonetheless - sad at the state of my bank account etc etc etc.

Feeling better for now, less panicky but assume the guilt and self-loathing is about to kick in. Am thirsty enough to drink a swimming pool to boot on account of all the salt.

Still seeing the dietician sporadically although I think she despairs of me. My only saving grace is that the weight since I've been seeing her hasn't gone back up.

Onwards and downwards as they say...

biscuits and control

I'm dead chuffed with my workouts for this week although my shin splints are giving me a bit of a problem running, I must admit.

I've done three bikini bootcamp sessions (1.5hours of circuit training, boxing, weights abs etc) and one 7km run in five days. I'm feeling great for it and very motivated for exercise.

Next week I need to go to the doctors to check out my shins (although I imagine he'll just tell me to rest) and also buy some new trainers as I'm sure they're not good enough for the amount of running I've been doing. Also, I've never had a problem with shin splints before either so that makes me suspicious that they've only come about since I've had these trainers.
My trainers were from an outlet in the States, on sale for $40. I didn't even buy them, a friend chose them for me so I guess I should really do some research and buy myself a pair. I'm thinking I should be spending upwards of €100 for a pair and with the insoles, they will hopefully help the shinsplints.

Anyway, my eating hasn't been marvellous and I'm struggling to have a clean day. This morning has seen a mini biscuit binge which I'm not proud off.
Am now working my way through a pile of cherries and feeling guilty about the biscuits but a little more satisfied generally.
I'm not sure the bottle of rosé last night helped matters either. It always makes me crave sugar the next day, although I'm pretty sure I sweated out all the toxins this morning.

I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to keep packets of biscuits or bars of chocolate in the house without feeling the compulsion to eat the lot. I'm thinking not. It's not something I ever have in the house for that reason but I'd love to have a bar of dark chocolate for those cravings.

Struggling again/moderation

84kg's this morning. I seem to be a bit stuck. It is still 5kg down from my highest but I haven't really budged in a while. The wedding was definitely a sticking point, and I had to fight back down to my weight before that (which I pretty much am now) but that was two week's ago.

My eating hasn't been great I must admit. I succumbed to a mini binge following the dietician appointment last week. (I'd stayed the same on her scales for the record, which she seemed happy with).
I ended up getting a smallish bit of banana cake and a brownie, then I had two crisp sandwiches before dinner of salmon and veg. Not devasting but not that great either.

The thing that I really need to work on (sugar is still a MAJOR issue for me) is being able to stop at one or two. For example, I didn't eat that much on Saturday - an omlette and some quinoa and roast veg. Then in the evening I was babysitting and was peckish and hadn't brought anything pre-prepared with me. The kids had these horrible french vanilla biscuits (les princes?) and instead of eating one or two out of desperation, I ate about 7, even though I don't really like them and wasn't THAT hungry. I only stopped because there was only two left...

Yesterday I indulged in pizza - only half but white flour all the same. It wasn't even that nice.
I also had a slice of bakery quiche as I was starving after going scuba diving. Again it was pretty tasteless.
Snacks during yesterday's picnic at Lac de St-Cassien were not soooo bad with crudites and houmous but there were also M & M's involved along the way, oh yes...and crisps. Ugg.

This morning I was still 84kg and was full of resolve on how to break through the next barrier. Then I got into work and there were some marzipan chocolates on the side. Instead of sampling the one, I have sneakily had about 8, on top of my breakfast.
I now feel sick and annoyed. Not a good start to the week.

Exercise-wise I only did two out of the four training runs for my half marathon. That said, I did a two hour bootcamp session plus 40 mins scuba diving (not sure that counts but what hey).
We have 15 weeks of training to go before the half marathon and the real training starts in the last 12 weeks if I'm following the Bupa schedule.
I'm off to bootcamp tonight, running tomorrow and will hopefully try and do something every day.

Mini binge

I've been following the dietician's suggestions for nearly three weeks now and this morning I was thinking I hadn't binged for those three weeks. Yes, I have snacked unecessarily on chocolate and other sugary treats but no bingeing.
Then I remembered this morning, a mini-binge I had after the dietician's appointment last week. I had been working in Monaco all day which was quite stressful and had started thinking about sugary treats when the Dairy Milk was wheeled out after lunch. Conscious I couldn't have any before seeing the dietician, I resisted. My thoughts moved on to millefeuille cakes and by the time I was driving towards her house (some 6 hours later), I just knew I was going to try and find something suitable after the appointment.
I found mini almond tarts (think Bakewell tarts without the icing) in a 6 pack and ater four in the car. The remaining two got munched when the boy went down to the car for something and I didn't even feel sick!
Strange how this got shoved away and forgotten about so quickly.

I guess this isn't so bad compared to times past. I'm not supposed to be eating sugar or white flour, so in that sense it was bad. Plus it was that whole thing where I get something in my head and it doesn't leave until I satisfy it - even when the thing I obtain isn't the same as what I was craving in the first place.

This week seems much better. My eating has been cleaner (not yet perfect) and I am feeling positive and determined today.

This morning I was still 85.5kg (13 stone 5lbs) which I guess isn't bad considering the boozy weekend in the Dam and the mini-binge.
I have one more week to try and shift some more off....fingers crossed.

On not bingeing

I am trying to get my head round the fact that this weight loss will take time. A long time.
I am learning a new way of eating, not just dieting to reach goal.
This is something I must keep up, and I really think I can.

The dietician told me she firmly believes in the 80/20 rule but at the beginning it is better to operate at 90/10 - which I think I'm doing ok at.
I had one mini chocolate binge last week - 8 chocolates in one sitting, but other than that, things are mostly fine. I'm not sure I could call eating 5 oatcakes instead of 2 a binge as such, but I know every little counts.

Normally weekends are spent hungover and feasting on white carb laden treats, often pastries from the boulangerie and chocolate. Last weekend was healthy all the way which was good and made me feel light.

Even now, 1kg down as of this morning, I feel lighter and energised - I'm sure the lack of alcohol has a lot to do with this mind you....

I haven't binged like I used to in over a week although the day I met with the dietician, there was an incident involving a packet of crunchie biscuits, last supper style gorging.

This morning I have had apple and two teaspoons of nut butter as breakfast, followed by a snack of oats, blueberries and soya yoghurt. I realise I have my breakfast as a snack as such but I'm just not terribly hungry first thing.
I'm looking forward to egg breakfasts this weekend - I love eggs - and not so much looking forward to the run I must do by myself, especially if my car isn't fixed and therefore the local running terrain isn't as interesting. I'd much rather go down and run on the coast.
I'm also looking forward to getting the flat clean and having a sort out. I hate the thought of such chores but the feeling of accomplishment afterwards is very satisfying, much like running.
I'm not so much looking forward to going to a hat birthday party for a friend on Saturday night as I'm trying to avoid alcohol right now. It could be pretty dull and annoying.

I have a small amount of anxiety regarding the weekend after next as I'm travelling to Amsterdam for my sisters hen weekend.
I'm worried about the alcohol consumption for one, it's unavoidable I reckon. I'm also worried about Saturday nights restaurant choice as I've looked at the menu, the only option is white pasta (being a pasta restaurant). This not only bloats me really badly if eaten late at night, but pasta is also a binge trigger for me.
The hangover binge temptation will be aroused at some point I'm sure too, plus I'm supposed to fit in a training run at some point over the weekend - can't see that happening though.
Lastly I'm worried about the travel aspect of the trip as I always binge on journeys like this.
All in all, quite a few worries.

GNR

I am running the Great North Run in September - so excited and nervous at the same time. I know I'll need to be a couple of stone lighter to do it and I'm hoping the training will help achieve this goal, along with some healthy eating and help from the dietician :)

There are 22.5 weeks to go and the Training schedule for beginners takes 12 weeks. I can already run 6/7km so need to gradually up this to 21km in order to complete the course. My biggest fear is that the training will have to take place over the summer, in temperatures of 30 degrees or so. I can see a lot of early mornings coming up to beat that heat....

I don't particularly enjoy running and I HATE the thought of going but the feeling afterwards is undeniably awesome. I look forward to my body getting stronger and hopefully smaller over time but I also know there are going to be some hard times ahead. Not only in terms of training, but also in terms of holding back on food. I hope to challenge my binge foods and find out exactly when I'm driven to eat mindlessly.

Madelines

I don't like these either but seemed to have inhaled three before lunch. I started off reasonably ok with a banana and a yoghurt mixed with a few oats, my normal breakfast.
Then I ate the three madelines (two stuffed down in the kitchen) followed by a wrap and salad for lunch.
This afternoon has already involved a couple of marshmallows (english ones so nice) and a fox's glacier mint. I think I'm on some kind of bingeing roll of late, probably brought on by some kind of last supper mindset due to the impending dietician appointment.
One of the reasons I'm seeing her next week is that I'm off to the UK this weekend and at the back of my mind, I want to be able to indulge in all the treats the UK has to offer.
The UK is definitely a binge trigger for me, it's the eat-everything-I-can't-get-in-France-all-in-one-weekend mentality. I've already got fish and chips in mind for the weekend, even though they usually make me feel sick. Ho-hum.

I guess I want to get back to where I was a few years back, let's say 6 years ago. It's before I went through a two year low point and where my weight started to increase. I was big as a teenager before losing nearly three stone through weightwatchers. I kept that off give or take 10 pounds, for over 7 years.
Now I'm back bigger than I was then (this morning was around 88kg) and less in control than ever.
In those slimmer years I was much more controlled although I hated eating in front of people, which isn't totally normal either. I would never be seen picking crisps or peanuts from a bowl, or snacking on anything that wasn't totally virtuous.
While I don't want to have that paranoia back regarding eating (which probably encouraged some secret eating), I would like that control back and certainly that figure!

I really want to look into why I've developed the binge eating patterns that I have and when and why it started. I know that from a very young age I was praised for eating and for not being fussy at home. At school (a convent run by nuns), my sister and I (who has suffered with bulimia and body dysmorphia most of her life) were known as good eaters and we always got big portions or second helpings. We were also terrified by the nuns into finishing every last bit, if your plate wasn't empty we had to scrape it into the 'pig' bin - funny when you think that I was the pig who finished every scrap. The pig bin was guarded by a nun who scolded those of less appetite and rumours of the cane for those who needed use of the pig bin circulated.
I remember our family not being very well enough in early childhood, so treats were scarce. This meant I ate lots of biscuits shoved in really quickly, as rations were short. Evidence was then hidden but I know I was obsessed with sweet treats from an early age.

I can't afford both counselling and the dietician so I'm going to see the dietician first. The counselling is probably what will be required eventually but for now I'm taking arguably the least painful route.

Smells like biscuits

Binging unashamedly on biscuits left over from a course I didn't even attend last week.
Sneakily so too - stealth missions too and from the kitchen.

I don't even like biscuits that much, especially these little fella's.