Wow! Even writing that last post made me think of eating. Just ate an almond square - think Bakewell tart - while in the kitchen making coffee for a client. Now these I LOVE!
Just hope I don't eat any more...
I also have that Fuck-it thing going on in my head as I've ruined today eating-wise so badly already. I need to get back in control, change the fuck-it mentality and stop this bloatedness.
Normally I can be good Monday to Friday and then binge all weekend. This week I have been bingeing on some level, every day.
We don't keep junk in the house (I'm blessed with a boyfriend who is not interested in snacking or junk) so hopefully I can rein it in tonight, jump on our cross trainer in the am and get back on track. Tomorrow lunch involves wine and a big meal out though, so I don't hold out much hope.
On a positive note I have already done two boxercise classes and a pilates session since Monday, although I cancelled my run this morning as my legs are so stiff from the boxing - squats and lunges. The Pilates session should be enough to scare me as it's done in front of a mirror. I'm pretty sure I can't do one of the exercises because my stomach gets in the way and normally the only other two people who can't do this are geriatrics.....
Enough said.
Wednesday 31 March 2010
Madelines
I don't like these either but seemed to have inhaled three before lunch. I started off reasonably ok with a banana and a yoghurt mixed with a few oats, my normal breakfast.
Then I ate the three madelines (two stuffed down in the kitchen) followed by a wrap and salad for lunch.
This afternoon has already involved a couple of marshmallows (english ones so nice) and a fox's glacier mint. I think I'm on some kind of bingeing roll of late, probably brought on by some kind of last supper mindset due to the impending dietician appointment.
One of the reasons I'm seeing her next week is that I'm off to the UK this weekend and at the back of my mind, I want to be able to indulge in all the treats the UK has to offer.
The UK is definitely a binge trigger for me, it's the eat-everything-I-can't-get-in-France-all-in-one-weekend mentality. I've already got fish and chips in mind for the weekend, even though they usually make me feel sick. Ho-hum.
I guess I want to get back to where I was a few years back, let's say 6 years ago. It's before I went through a two year low point and where my weight started to increase. I was big as a teenager before losing nearly three stone through weightwatchers. I kept that off give or take 10 pounds, for over 7 years.
Now I'm back bigger than I was then (this morning was around 88kg) and less in control than ever.
In those slimmer years I was much more controlled although I hated eating in front of people, which isn't totally normal either. I would never be seen picking crisps or peanuts from a bowl, or snacking on anything that wasn't totally virtuous.
While I don't want to have that paranoia back regarding eating (which probably encouraged some secret eating), I would like that control back and certainly that figure!
I really want to look into why I've developed the binge eating patterns that I have and when and why it started. I know that from a very young age I was praised for eating and for not being fussy at home. At school (a convent run by nuns), my sister and I (who has suffered with bulimia and body dysmorphia most of her life) were known as good eaters and we always got big portions or second helpings. We were also terrified by the nuns into finishing every last bit, if your plate wasn't empty we had to scrape it into the 'pig' bin - funny when you think that I was the pig who finished every scrap. The pig bin was guarded by a nun who scolded those of less appetite and rumours of the cane for those who needed use of the pig bin circulated.
I remember our family not being very well enough in early childhood, so treats were scarce. This meant I ate lots of biscuits shoved in really quickly, as rations were short. Evidence was then hidden but I know I was obsessed with sweet treats from an early age.
I can't afford both counselling and the dietician so I'm going to see the dietician first. The counselling is probably what will be required eventually but for now I'm taking arguably the least painful route.
Then I ate the three madelines (two stuffed down in the kitchen) followed by a wrap and salad for lunch.
This afternoon has already involved a couple of marshmallows (english ones so nice) and a fox's glacier mint. I think I'm on some kind of bingeing roll of late, probably brought on by some kind of last supper mindset due to the impending dietician appointment.
One of the reasons I'm seeing her next week is that I'm off to the UK this weekend and at the back of my mind, I want to be able to indulge in all the treats the UK has to offer.
The UK is definitely a binge trigger for me, it's the eat-everything-I-can't-get-in-France-all-in-one-weekend mentality. I've already got fish and chips in mind for the weekend, even though they usually make me feel sick. Ho-hum.
I guess I want to get back to where I was a few years back, let's say 6 years ago. It's before I went through a two year low point and where my weight started to increase. I was big as a teenager before losing nearly three stone through weightwatchers. I kept that off give or take 10 pounds, for over 7 years.
Now I'm back bigger than I was then (this morning was around 88kg) and less in control than ever.
In those slimmer years I was much more controlled although I hated eating in front of people, which isn't totally normal either. I would never be seen picking crisps or peanuts from a bowl, or snacking on anything that wasn't totally virtuous.
While I don't want to have that paranoia back regarding eating (which probably encouraged some secret eating), I would like that control back and certainly that figure!
I really want to look into why I've developed the binge eating patterns that I have and when and why it started. I know that from a very young age I was praised for eating and for not being fussy at home. At school (a convent run by nuns), my sister and I (who has suffered with bulimia and body dysmorphia most of her life) were known as good eaters and we always got big portions or second helpings. We were also terrified by the nuns into finishing every last bit, if your plate wasn't empty we had to scrape it into the 'pig' bin - funny when you think that I was the pig who finished every scrap. The pig bin was guarded by a nun who scolded those of less appetite and rumours of the cane for those who needed use of the pig bin circulated.
I remember our family not being very well enough in early childhood, so treats were scarce. This meant I ate lots of biscuits shoved in really quickly, as rations were short. Evidence was then hidden but I know I was obsessed with sweet treats from an early age.
I can't afford both counselling and the dietician so I'm going to see the dietician first. The counselling is probably what will be required eventually but for now I'm taking arguably the least painful route.
Tuesday 30 March 2010
Smells like biscuits
Binging unashamedly on biscuits left over from a course I didn't even attend last week.
Sneakily so too - stealth missions too and from the kitchen.
I don't even like biscuits that much, especially these little fella's.
Sneakily so too - stealth missions too and from the kitchen.
I don't even like biscuits that much, especially these little fella's.
Monday 29 March 2010
Contemplation
I'm contemplating recording my diet issues on here...only because I've just failed (again) at Weight Watchers and am about to take up again with another (second) dietician to shift some of this mornings 87.5 kilos....
I've learnt a lot from other weight loss bloggers and as well as the fascination their success stories (and failures) hold, they have also helped me identify some of my own issues with food. I probably need some counselling to deal with some of these things but I'm not quite ready for that.....
I started this blog during a tumultuous time in my life. It kind of served its purpose back then, even though I discovered I wasn't particularly good at the written word stuff.
I would like to give something back to those who have helped me and like the idea of accountability. Watch this space...
I've learnt a lot from other weight loss bloggers and as well as the fascination their success stories (and failures) hold, they have also helped me identify some of my own issues with food. I probably need some counselling to deal with some of these things but I'm not quite ready for that.....
I started this blog during a tumultuous time in my life. It kind of served its purpose back then, even though I discovered I wasn't particularly good at the written word stuff.
I would like to give something back to those who have helped me and like the idea of accountability. Watch this space...
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